Connecting with Spirituality: How to Baptize Your Cats

As cat parents, Jake and I try not to push our human agenda on to Kurt and Lola. We grew up under Catholic and Jewish upbringings, and while one of us is happy with their religion, the other had a very bad experience at Catholic school and was almost expelled four times, but we won’t go into that. (Spoiler alert: it wasn’t Jake).

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Here are some glorious stills from Jake’s Bar Mitzvah video.

I have since strayed away from my Catholic roots, but discovering Lola was certainly a religious experience. Two years ago, I was home sick with pneumonia and was fever delirious. I decided that it was a good idea to go ahead and watch YouTube videos and ended up stumbling across those goddamn Sarah McLaughlin videos, the ones where she urges people to adopt while heartbreaking music plays in the background and then you’re drenched in guilt. Once the ad ended, I immediately got up, got in my car, and drove to the South LA pound. (Please keep in mind that before this moment, I was terrified of cats. Like, very terrified. I hated being around them because one clawed my soul out when I was a child, and, even at the point of driving to the pound, I was still very, very terrified of them). The first room I entered was the kitten room. Out of all the kittens, there was only one meowing at the top of her lil baby lungs, and that was Lola. I might’ve cried in the parking lot once I realized what I did after adopting her, but she is literal perfection and now I’m a cat lady and I AM NOT ASHAMED and I would never go back and change a thing.

Kurt, on the other hand, is an asshole. Jake and I worked together at America’s Funniest Home Videos and were sent to go scope out the No Kill West LA Shelter for a potential filming project. We ended up coming back to the office with the cutest lil jellybean an hour later. He did not stay a cute jellybean, but more transformed into a really cute killing machine (only at me). I don’t play favorites, but Kurt’s a dick. Moving on.

Lola is two and a half years old, while Kurt is almost two. There comes a time when you, as a cat mother, need to sit down with them and explain what spirituality is. I thought that time would be years from now, but Kurt voiced through his mews that he is interested in exploring Paganism, while Lola said she only believed in herself.

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That being said, Jake and I decided to introduce them to spirituality and give them all the options possible. Due to our Catholic and Jewish upbringings, we figured that we would start with giving them a baptism, since both aren’t of age for their respective Bat Mitzvah and Bar Mitzvah yet.

Even though being baptized is primarily a Christian/Catholic thing, we emphasized to Kurt and Lola that we just wanted to show them the different processes of being initiated into a religion (and also they’re dirty as fuck). They are free to pursue any religion they want, just like everyone in the world is (someone please tell that to Trump since he seems to think otherwise).

SO, if you’re a post-grad-quarter-life-crisis experiencing cat mother, here’s how to baptize your cat!!

STEP ONE

Get yourself a priest, preferably a drunk one who has been celebrating National Margarita Day. He can also be your Greek Orthodox roommate named Paul Hoover.  (Also helps if you have a cold and are so congested that all the bad memories of Catholic school are foggy).

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Here is our priest Paul Hoover meeting with Kurt before the big moment.

STEP TWO

Gather your best pet shampoo because baptizing your cat is also the perfect time to clean them after they’ve been rolling around in their litter box and love sleeping on your pillows.

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STEP THREE

Channel your inner Lana Del Rey and make sure your baptism fountain aka your bathtub is totally Instagram worthy by placing wilting flower petals in the water. Also make sure the water is warm and not freezing or scalding hot.

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Shout out to bae Jake for the Valentine’s Day roses that helped set up the baptism scene.

STEP FOUR

Gather your baptism audience. These friends pictured below definitely all came out for our cats’ baptism, and were definitely not just hanging out for National Margarita Day. Make that audience line up to watch the magic happen.

STEP FIVE

Take your cat(s) to the baptism fountain, hand him/her over to the priest and pray that lil jellybean toes doesn’t destroy the priest’s face. In this step, you’ll also want to (very) quickly wash your cat. Repeat this step if you have another cat.

 

That’s it! After step five, your cat(s) is officially baptized and can say they experienced that initiation!

Kurt and Lola look miserable in these photos, but they actually dig baths/dug their baptism and now they’re clean, happy, and even more confused about their spirituality!

Hope this helps all the struggling cat parents out there! I know it may be early for your cat to ponder about spirituality, but I hope my blog post provides some advice in case they do!

*No cats were harmed in the making of this post, and no cat mom should feel guilty about turning their cats’ monthly bath time into a baptism ritual (just think what jesus would do) (he would def baptize some kittens lets be real) (turn that bread into Kittles and Greenies ya feel).

Thanks for tuning in! Check back for a new post early next week!

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